What a funk I have been in. I figure it is a combination of several things. First, PO sucks. Being aware of it sucks. Knowing that within 5 years, it is quite likely that die-off will have started sucks. Knowing there is nothing you can do to stop it really sucks. I should have taken the blue pill.
Another factor is that where I live sucks. I live in a project, and it is filled with negative people. Everywhere I turn, my neighbors lead very negative lives and it is contagious. I fought it for a long time, but it is finally catching up to me.
Thirdly, one of my neighbors is a friend. She and her boyfriend split up earlier in the year, and he took their two boys. They are in a legal battle for custody and it is very reminiscent of the battle I went through 10 years ago for my daughter, which I lost. By being friends with her, I am reliving my custody battle, and all the agony and pain that goes with it. I am trying to help her all I can, giving her the knowledge and tools I didn’t have when I went through it. She is very much like me, and it pains me to see her go through this. I guess I have felt like if I can help her get her boys back, then my losing Cait and all its associated pain will not have been for nothing.
And so I find myself in a funk. I get through the day and hope I don’t yell too much at the kids. After they go to bed, I play WoW for a few hours, finally signing off when I start to fall asleep in front of my screen around 11 or 12 at night. Eirik wakes up at 6:30 or so, and my day begins. Not enough sleep hasn’t helped my mood any. I know it is ironic, to be aware of the causes and effects of PO and global warming, and yet playing WoW each night to numb my brain from that awareness.
On the other hand, I have started a productive new hobby. After reading this post by Sharon http://casaubonsbook.blogspot.com/2007/09/knitting-for-apocalypse.html, I picked up my knitting needles. So far I have made a couple pairs of mittens, a pair of socks for the baby, a “mug rug” that I am going to felt up for Rowan, one for Terry, and next on my list is to start slippers that I am going to felt. It is good to have wool between my hands. Until just the last couple of weeks, I have been very impatient with the whole knitting process. I work to make a project, and it takes forever. But I was shocked at how quickly Eirik’s socks came together when I just knitted while sitting outside on my porch watching the kids play since they aren’t allowed out of the house without an adult. I swore I would never turn into a porch monkey, “hanging out” on my porch waiting for some juicy gossip (which is more than abundant here) or just doing absolutely nothing. Then when I had to start accompanying my children every moment they were outside, I needed something to do. I picked up the needles and started clicking away. I’m hooked now. (That was a better pun for crocheting, but it is my feeble attempt at humor right now.)
